Thursday, May 19, 2011

Perhaps the Week Continues

So maybe that crazy week has extended into this week. So far we haven't made any visits to the Doctor's office... But I'm emotionally and physically exhausted. First off it's finals week for Chris. These weeks always add more stress into our household, at no fault of any of ours, it just lingers in the air. With that lingering in the air it always makes things a little more dramatic than they really are... But here is my story anyways...

The first instance of this week is actually pretty comical, but was quite stressful for me for some reason. I had a coupon for $3 off Huggies and it expired on Monday. So Monday after Katelee went to bed I hurried down to Target for a quick shopping trip. I pick up all the things I came for and a few other items and head to the check out line. I start going through my coupons and realize I had all my coupons, my $5 gift card and my phone and that.was.all!!! I didn't have anything to pay with. My first thought was "where can I hide my cart?" Then I ask the checker if they can just ring me up and I'll go home get my money and come back. He says no problem. He rings me up and just as he is near finishing my friend comes up behind me and tells me to hurry up cause I'm holding up the line. (which I actually was) I smile, hug her and tell her she has no idea how right she is. I tell her my story of embarrassment without skipping a beat she insists on paying for it. I try to tell her no a few times but she insists and pays for me. Oh how I was being watched over. I know it sounds so simple and silly, but for me at that moment that night, it was almost like walking on water. It goes on....For three straight nights Ashlee went down around 9-9:30pm and we had to wake her up in the morning to go where we had to go. Of course with three straight nights of this I start thinking.."alright she has this whole night time sleep down, she's cut out a whole bottle, we are good to go!" Then Tuesday night comes, she goes down a little rougher than normal and then is up many times during the night. It started around 12:30am and in 30 minute to one hour intervals, last until around 4am when I wake Chris and ask him to try feeding her or something. He makes the bottle, she eats about an ounce or two and then is out. We chalk the bad night up to maybe some gas or bubbles...

Then my work day starts. I'm on my drive in when my co-worker texts me and tells me one of the big bosses from California is here, unannounced! We go back and forth for a while with theories of why they might be here. One being to get rid of me, but I was just assigned to be the lead on a conversion team in Vegas. I get to work and have a bad feeling about the whole situation but try my hardest to work and stay focused. My boss gets to work after her fetal monitoring appointment and heads up to her office. About 30 minutes later she calls me and ask that my co-worker and I come up to her office. We head up, only to find out that the bank is letting her go. She has been my boss for a solid 4 years now. We mesh very well, she is the only woman boss I have ever had that I get along with perfectly. She has been my mentor for a while now and not only do I work with her but she is my friend. I stand there stunned, not only is she more capable of doing her job than the person sent to let her go, but she is having a baby next week... What am I suppose to do, what do I say? To say I felt hurt and stranded would be a huge understatement. Of course there is a side of me that is thankful to still have my job, but the other side of me HATES working in an atmosphere where I feel like I could be the next to go, an atmosphere where I feel like if I question or ask why something is being done a certain way I will be shut off and isolated. Because of my boss being let go I was given a new position at work. I now manage the Central Operations Manager and report to the Director of Operations in CA. All of this with no monetary compensation or ANY compensation whatsoever! Joy!!! Once again I am grateful to still have a job.... I keep reminding myself of that... I would love to say my day was ok after that, but the day dragged and I couldn't wait to get out of that place when closing time came.

I finally leave for the day and head to Ethan's T-ball game. In the car I'm close to tears, exhausted from the days events when traffic slows down on Rainbow. I notice that there are emergency vehicles on the other side and traffic is being diverted. I then look over and see a black tarp in the street. My positive side things, "oh it's just debris in the road." And then I see a shoe and I loose it! There within throwing distance, my sons throwing distance, is a dead body. A physical body of someone whose spirit has now left this mortal earth. I have only seen something like this not even a handful of times in person, but each time it tears my insides up and makes this mother, wife, daughter, sister and friends heart ache with an ache so deep and fierce that it literally brings me to tears. My day has of course added to the tears, but at the same time this vision really helps put my life at that very moment into perspective. So my work life sucks right now, but I'm still here, My kids are still here, my parents are still here, my husband is still here with me and my friends are still here!!! As traffic picks back up a song I have loved since the very first time I heard it comes on the radio, "I Wont Let Go"-by Rascal Flatts. Small tender mercies of my Heavenly Father always seem to appear when I need them most and in the most unexpected ways.

It’s like a storm
That cuts a path
It breaks your will
It feels like that
You think you're lost
But you're not lost
On your own
You're not alone

I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
And you can’t cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I won't let go

It hurts my heart
To see you cry
I know it’s dark
This part of life
Oh, it finds us all
And we’re too small
To stop the rain
Oh, but when it rains

I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
And you can’t cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I won't let you fall

Don’t be afraid to fall
I’m right here to catch you
I won't let you down
It won't get you down
You're gonna make it
Yeah, I know you can make it

Cause I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
And you can’t cope
And I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I won't let go

Oh I’m gonna hold you
And I won't let go
Won't let you go
No, I won't

Although my tears start off as tears of pain and anguish, this song turns them into tears of Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving that someone is watching over me at all times. That no matter what I'm facing in my life there is always going to be someone there to dry my eyes and hold me tight. I was driving my car on the highway and could feel spiritual arms hug my heart. I was no longer holding this pain in my heart alone... Once again through a bad week I'm reminded how special I am to my Heavenly Father, how he is ever mindful of me and my life.

4 comments:

Brandi said...

You are such a strong and amazing woman. Life is such a roller-coaster ride and at times when it seems so very confusing you always see the positive side and know that everything happens for a reason. Keep smiling that beautiful smile Hilary.

The Benavidez Family said...

I am sorry that you are having such a rough week. I am glad I could be a very small help in it. You are amazing!! I wish I could be so positive in so much adversity!! Love ya girl!!

tiffunny said...

what a week+!!

Heidi said...

Love that song too! Way to end on a positive and stay thankful thru it all! You're amazing girlie...hang in there!!