I sit at this desk....... All day long, Monday thru Friday, I work here in this office to keep a roof over my family and food in our bellies. Often times I daydream about the day when I can stay home with my kids and enjoy their smiling, grouchy, happy, sad and ever changing faces. But most the time I sit at my desk and think how thankful I am to have a job that helps us provide for our family while Chris is in school. Most days I enjoy my job, I feel useful and productive. Other days I feel like I'm wasting my time and energy to a pit that sucks the happiness and energy right out of me. Some days I love reading and re-reading policies and other days I can't get past the heading, thoughts of my kids and what I'm missing playing in my head. But then there are weekends when I look forward to going to work and escaping the inadequacy I feel when I'm at home. At least at work I get an annual review that tells me how I'm doing and if I deserve a raise or not. I always get high marks and feel like I'm really improving in my position at work. But at home I often feel like I'm digressing. Some days I feel so productive and interact great with the kids and then there are those other days when I can't communicate anything without yelling and growling. What rates my improvement at home? Happy kids, clean house, clean clothes, warm planned out dinners every night or a happy husband? If it is a combination of those things, well frankly, I think I would have money taken away from me instead of a raise... Why do some days seem to go so smoothly and others so horribly? Does it ever get easier to do EVERYTHING you want/should get accomplished? Am I ready to stay at home with my kids all day-every day like I'd like to? Who knows.... But for the small moments when I see my kids laugh, run to me when they need comfort, cry when I leave their sight or cuddle with me I am ETERNALLY grateful for the gift I was given of being a mother. I often don't pass the "practical" tests at times, but the lessons I learn from the failures make the successes so much more wonderful! I love when I get something right, when for a small moment I feel like I'm a good mother. That feeling keeps me going and trying to be a better mother. Every night I pray that I can be a better mother and try harder.... I know its up to me and no one else to make me a better mother so all I can say now and in the future and forever is "I'm trying, and as long as I really am trying then I'm doing okay!" (Hopefully I don't mess Ethan and Katelee up too much in the process..... :) Oh how I love these kids!
Moses: 5 Months Old
1 month ago