Wednesday, July 20, 2011

A Problem I Have

Shortly after having my third child I realized that things were HARD, really HARD and I couldn't put my finger on just what it was. Sure now I had three kids to take care of. An infant is hard enough by itself, but I was having an extremely difficult time. Nursing seemed to go well, Ashlee got it! But the time involved was becoming VERY HARD and then I was told her mouth was too small and she wasn't getting enough at feedings. This would mean I'd have to nurse and then pump and feed her, MORE TIME for feedings. I started pumping as it it seemed like I was falling farther into a pit that had no way out. When I started pumping I felt ok about it because Ashlee was getting what she needed. Soon it became nearly impossible to pump any more, the pain was excruciating and made every two hours a living nightmare for me. (Pumping was 100x's more painful than actual nursing!) After many prayers, pleading to my Heavenly Father to help me feel better, many discussions with my husband and family and very close friends I made the sad decision to stop pumping. After that I quickly climbed out of that pit but I was still having a hard time adjusting to my new life. I was exhausted ALL the time. I could get some good solid sleep and still feel as if I was only asleep for minutes. This of course made it harder for me to function and it seemed like feedings brought out feelings of longing that I couldn't quite explain. I longed to still be nursing my child, even though memories of why I had stopped were fresh in my mind. I never felt like the longing was all part of a bigger problem I was being faced with. Soon I started having these feelings more often, like I was wasting time when I would sit down and read a book, take a little rest when I felt exhausted or watch a little TV. It even got so bad as feeling a longing to do more when I was running and only listening to my music. I felt like I should at least be listening to a book or conference so that I could be accomplishing more.... Lately I have come to realize that I have a problem with multi-tasking. Not that I don't do it, but that I do it TOO MUCH!! How can this be, you might ask! How can one possible do TOO much? And here is what I have to say about that. My whole life is a multi-tasking event. I am a FULL time MOTHER, FULL time WIFE, FULL time EMPLOYEE at the Bank and I am now the second counselor in the YW at church. I have a husband going to school FULL time and I am a FULL time FRIEND, SISTER, DAUGHTER and more!! Now don't get me wrong I realize that we all have a very FULL plate, but having my third child really brought this out for me. Do I feel overwhelmed? Of course I do, most days I end with a feeling of inadequacy when I look around my house and see all the things I didn't get to, then I get to work the next day only to face a desk full of papers and work that never ends. Then I look at my family and see work that should/could be done that just isn't. Ethan isn't getting his alphabet every night like he should, his writing is regressing instead of getting better, I just now started colors and shapes with Katelee... she knows all her colors but shapes are another story and about a million other things that I should be doing with my kids. Then there is my husband, this guy is amazing. He gets up early to go for a run, goes to school full time, helps out with the kids and then rides his bike at night. We haven't been on a "date" in quite a while and he hasn't complained about it. (I take that back, we have been to the temple twice in the last month, those are kinda our dates!) I could be doing so much more to support him and help make his life simpler, but I'm not. And so I feel a bit overwhelmed to say the least. Anyways back to my problem. Because of these feelings of inadequacy and being overwhelmed I have developed an internal feeling of need to get as much accomplished in one day, hour and minute that I can. This means that while I might be doing something like folding the clothes, my mind is swirling with ideas of other things I need to do or could be doing while I'm doing this. When I'm in the bathroom I feel like I have to be doing other things to make going to the restroom worth my time. And the worst part of this problem is that when I'm feeding Ashlee or singing the kids their night time songs I still feel like I'm wasting some time. Before I realized I had this problem I would sing a little faster and finish quicker than normal so I could go and do some of the other things that I so desperately felt I needed to get done. How horrible it sounds when I type that... Please do not get me wrong, I LOVE my kids, I LOVE being a mother, wife and everything else. My priorities weren't horribly wrong, as I still did things with my kids, I still spent time with them and I would have done anything for them, it was just the weight of the world, and everything that comes with it that was making me crazy. So one day I was thinking about running on the treadmill and I was trying to think of a way I could crochet my car seat blankets while I did that... I ran this idea over in my mind a few times and then as if a light bulb turned on I realized that I had a problem. Who on earth would try to crochet while running, who has an issue with waiting in a Dr.'s office for 5 minutes without having anything to read, who rocks their little baby at night and thinks of the other things she has to do? I realized in that instant that I had become chained down by my desire to multi-task. It sounds silly, I know, but it's crazy to feel like I do when I look around and see all the things I feel I need to get done. Once I realized I was trying to do too much I took a step back and reevaluated the things I "felt" were pressing and needed to get completed and prioritized differently. Family first, no need to have anything else in life if there is no Family.... This means singing them just one more song, 10 times at night, Holding little Ashlee a little longer at night when we get to quietly rock and gaze into each others eyes, Hold my husband hand while we drive and show him how much I love him and appreciate him, Smile and think how much I'm going to miss the yelling, screaming, fighting, laughing, joke telling and little spills one day when my kids are all grown and gone and most importantly this means making my kids feel and know that their mother loves them more than ANYTHING else I have to do at that moment! Life goes too fast to worry constantly about cleaning the toilet, doing laundry and anything else there is to do that day. So I didn't get all the laundry done because Ashlee took longer to eat than normal, I love the sweet spirit in my arms more than laundry anyways! I still catch myself trying to think of ways I can do two, three or even four things at once, I am doing much better about making the important ones a priority. When faced with going for a run or rocking my daughter a little longer, I'm going to pick my daughter!!! How thankful I am that I had a realization of what I was doing wrong and how to work around it!! What do we have, if we don't have family?

Family is not a distraction to my life, but rather the reason for it!

Friday, July 8, 2011


We have all been blessed with Miracles in our lives weather we acknowledge them or not. I have seen many small and large miracles in my life and fear that I don't show my gratitude enough for them. Some of my large miracles include,

  • All three of my children, their good health and abounding love for me as their mother.

  • Their safe arrival here on earth and my good health while pregnant with them.

  • Meeting my husband and having him in my life FOREVER!

  • Having a Wonderful family that has stood by me through good and bad.

  • Meeting amazing friends that are always there for me no matter what!

There are so many small miracles in my life that I won't try to name them all. I know without a doubt that I have been blessed beyond belief. My cousin and her three small children were involved in a very serious accident a week ago while they traveled home. From the moment I heard about the accident I have had a pit in my stomach. Many, many thoughts have run through my mind as I have thought about this incident. I am so thankful for the safety of my cousin and her beautiful and crazy kids, but more thankful for the reminders it has given me. This incident has reminded me that:

  • Any ones life can change in a blink of an eye. Life is so fragile and sweet, we must not take it for granted or get complacent. Every day is a gift and a new opportunity to do something good!

  • Prayers are answered. Before my cousin got on the highway she pulled over and had her son offer a pray for their trip. He prayed that they would be protected, and his prayer was answered!

  • Family and Friends are always willing to help out no matter what the problem, situation or time is!

  • This world isn't that bad. So many people came to help her out in her deepest time of need. Makes me look around and see the good in things and people before the bad.

  • Angels are real. Sometimes people beyond the veil are their to help us out and pull us through something we don't feel we can do on our own.

  • We are our Heavenly Father's children, he loves us and wants only the best for each of us. He allows each of us to learn and grow in different ways. Being our Father he knows which way is best for each of us!

  • Miracles still happen to this day, they haven't stopped... All we have to do is realize and see them in our lives.

I have included her post from a blog that she shares with her sisters so you can read for yourself her experience! So grateful for Miracles!!!

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Happy Fourth

Though our Fourth of July was not very eventful we still had a good time hanging out with each other. We did some fireworks before the sun went down because Chris and I had an event to attend that night for our friends. The kids didn't mind that it wasn't dark yet, so why not! We registered Ethan up for Fall Ball at a firework booth so we decided to get a few fireworks as well. We actually did those the next night....

Here is sweet Ashlee in her patriotic outfit.... and her gangster pose! And me in my Pj's... Nice!

Here are Ethan and Katelee in front of our flag! Go USA! We love this country and are so grateful to be able to raise our children here! To those who have and continue to fight for our freedom.... THANK YOU!