Friday, January 22, 2016

The Last Time

A few of my girlfriends and I went to "Time Out for Women" in St. George.  It was a great experience and SO much fun with those girls!  I will blog more about that later, maybe.  During one of the presentations a lady read the following and it struck such a raw chord with me. 

The Last Time

From the moment you hold your baby in your arms,
you will never be the same.
You might long for the person you were before, 
When you had freedom and time,
And nothing in particular to worry about.
You will know tiredness like you never knew it before,
And days will run into days that are exactly the same,
Full of feedings and burping,
Diaper changes and crying,
Whining and fighting,
Naps or a lack of naps,
It might seem like a never-ending cycle.
But don’t forget …
There is a last time for everything.
There will come a time when you will feed
your baby for the very last time.
They will fall asleep on you after a long day
And it will be the last time you ever hold your sleeping child.
One day you will carry them on your hip then set them down,
And never pick them up that way again.
You will scrub their hair in the bath one night
And from that day on they will want to bathe alone.
They will hold your hand to cross the road,
Then never reach for it again.
They will creep into your room at midnight for cuddles,
And it will be the last night you ever wake to this.
One afternoon you will sing “the wheels on the bus”
and do all the actions,
Then never sing them that song again.
They will kiss you goodbye at the school gate,
The next day they will ask to walk to the gate alone.
You will read a final bedtime story and wipe your last dirty face.
They will run to you with arms raised for the very last time.
The thing is, you won’t even know it’s the last time
Until there are no more times.
And even then, it will take you a while to realize
So while you are living in these times,
remember there are only so many of them
and when they are gone, you will yearn for just one more day of them.
For one last time.
-Author Unknown-

The things is, I'm pretty sure Brynlee is our last baby.  I still think the idea of 5 kids is great, but I'm just not sure it's in the cards for us.  Chris is done, he will have to have some kind of a vision to agree to have another one.  Some days I can't imagine waking up multiple times a night again for feedings and newborn stuff.  I would love to be pregnant again, I LOVE being pregnant, but my body is a mess and it probably wouldn't be the best thing for me...  Sometimes I look at our family all together and think, "this is perfect!"  Like last night at the dinner table we were all just talking and hanging out and it felt so good and right.  Then there are times when I look around as if someone is missing. The other night when we were gathering for family prayer I was looking and saw Ethan, Katelee, and then found Ashlee and Chris had Brynlee and I just kept looking.  For a while I just kept looking.  Chris started reading and in my head I was thinking, "why isn't he waiting, we aren't all here!"  But then it clicked.  The mind and heart are interesting organs!! 
I packed up all of the clothes that Brynlee has outgrown, it was a sad day.  I may have shed a few tears, I can't lie.  I would hold up the clothes and smile as I would remember how cute that outfit was on my girls.  Then I took them to a lady in our ward that is having her first baby girl.  It was a sad day...  It was a last...

I look at my little Ethan, who isn't quite so little any more.  I can't tell you the last time I picked him up and carried him on my hip, but when I did it last did I think it was going to be the last time?  My baby won't let us feed her any more.  She must be the one to feed herself or she wont eat...  When I fed her last did I think it was going to be the last time?  And did I appreciate it like I should have? I can almost guarantee I didn't.  I have to fight with Katelee to let me do her hair.  The girl is 7!!! She wants to do her own hair, pick out her own cloths and much more.  When will it be the last time I do her hair?  Will I realize it?  Ms Ashlee is a handful, she has a spunk about her that is all her own.  She loves to hug me and give me kisses when I leave for work, when will she do that for the last time? 

After thinking about some of this stuff it was depressing.  But then it has made me much more aware of the little things that will one day be gone or I will do for the last time.  I rock my little baby a little longer at night, as long as she will let me.  I cuddle with the kids, even if I have to make them...  I have started to try a little harder to enjoy and extend those things that will one day be the last time!  I'll hold them a little closer, longer and tighter and soak it all up while I can.  Filling my jar so that hopefully it will last me through the rest of their childhood.   

1 comment:

Ashlee Merback said...

AMEN!!! This post killed me! There are so many last times to motherhood that it breaks my heart. I love your focus on the small things to not take anything for granted. I have to remind myself all the time to remember and take note/advantage of everything these crazy kids do. I also really love the "first times" that occur in this business of raising kids. There is magic in watching a child experience something for the first time. Motherhood creates huge contradictions in emotions: sadness for the growing up and joy in the growing up all at the same time! Love you. Your kids are so blessed to have you as the mom of theirs "lasts" and "firsts!"