The Last Time

A few of my girlfriends and I went to "Time Out for Women" in St. George.  It was a great experience and SO much fun with those girls!  I will blog more about that later, maybe.  During one of the presentations a lady read the following and it struck such a raw chord with me. 

The Last Time

From the moment you hold your baby in your arms,
you will never be the same.
You might long for the person you were before, 
When you had freedom and time,
And nothing in particular to worry about.

You will know tiredness like you never knew it before,
And days will run into days that are exactly the same,
Full of feedings and burping,
Diaper changes and crying,
Whining and fighting,
Naps or a lack of naps,
It might seem like a never-ending cycle.

But don’t forget …
There is a last time for everything.
There will come a time when you will feed
your baby for the very last time.
They will fall asleep on you after a long day
And it will be the last time you ever hold your sleeping child.

One day you will carry them on your hip then set them down,
And never pick them up that way again.
You will scrub their hair in the bath one night
And from that day on they will want to bathe alone.
They will hold your hand to cross the road,
Then never reach for it again.
They will creep into your room at midnight for cuddles,
And it will be the last night you ever wake to this.

One afternoon you will sing “the wheels on the bus”
and do all the actions,
Then never sing them that song again.
They will kiss you goodbye at the school gate,
The next day they will ask to walk to the gate alone.
You will read a final bedtime story and wipe your last dirty face.
They will run to you with arms raised for the very last time.

The thing is, you won’t even know it’s the last time
Until there are no more times.
And even then, it will take you a while to realize

So while you are living in these times,
remember there are only so many of them
and when they are gone, you will yearn for just one more day of them.
For one last time.

-Author Unknown-

The things is, I'm pretty sure Brynlee is our last baby.  I still think the idea of 5 kids is great, but I'm just not sure it's in the cards for us.  Chris is done, he will have to have some kind of a vision to agree to have another one.  Some days I can't imagine waking up multiple times a night again for feedings and newborn stuff.  I would love to be pregnant again, I LOVE being pregnant, but my body is a mess and it probably wouldn't be the best thing for me...  Sometimes I look at our family all together and think, "this is perfect!"  Like last night at the dinner table we were all just talking and hanging out and it felt so good and right.  Then there are times when I look around as if someone is missing. The other night when we were gathering for family prayer I was looking and saw Ethan, Katelee, and then found Ashlee and Chris had Brynlee and I just kept looking.  For a while I just kept looking.  Chris started reading and in my head I was thinking, "why isn't he waiting, we aren't all here!"  But then it clicked.  The mind and heart are interesting organs!! 
I packed up all of the clothes that Brynlee has outgrown, it was a sad day.  I may have shed a few tears, I can't lie.  I would hold up the clothes and smile as I would remember how cute that outfit was on my girls.  Then I took them to a lady in our ward that is having her first baby girl.  It was a sad day...  It was a last...

I look at my little Ethan, who isn't quite so little any more.  I can't tell you the last time I picked him up and carried him on my hip, but when I did it last did I think it was going to be the last time?  My baby won't let us feed her any more.  She must be the one to feed herself or she wont eat...  When I fed her last did I think it was going to be the last time?  And did I appreciate it like I should have? I can almost guarantee I didn't.  I have to fight with Katelee to let me do her hair.  The girl is 7!!! She wants to do her own hair, pick out her own cloths and much more.  When will it be the last time I do her hair?  Will I realize it?  Ms Ashlee is a handful, she has a spunk about her that is all her own.  She loves to hug me and give me kisses when I leave for work, when will she do that for the last time? 

After thinking about some of this stuff it was depressing.  But then it has made me much more aware of the little things that will one day be gone or I will do for the last time.  I rock my little baby a little longer at night, as long as she will let me.  I cuddle with the kids, even if I have to make them...  I have started to try a little harder to enjoy and extend those things that will one day be the last time!  I'll hold them a little closer, longer and tighter and soak it all up while I can.  Filling my jar so that hopefully it will last me through the rest of their childhood.   

Big Sisters

Big Sisters are the best!!!  Here are just a few pictures to prove it!!!!

Halloween 2014

 This year for Halloween we were all extra excited.  We purchased our costumes super early and had to wait what seemed like forever to wear them.  Finally our ward had a trunk or treat, so we got dressed up.

Brynlee was our little dog, we figured she had the perfect cheeks for a little bull dog.  The whole night of the trunk or treat she had the little dog tongue in her mouth.  It was quite cute since it looked like a little doggie would look.  

Katelee wanted to be Ariel from the Little Mermaid.  She rocked it of course!

 Ethan chose tp be Spider man.  It came with gloves and a mask thing, but he just wore the outfit with super strong muscles on it. 

Ashlee was Dr. McStuffins, she loved her outfit because it has a Tu-tu and was dropping glitter like crazy!!!  

We parked our van this year and Daddy and the little doggie Brynlee stayed behind and passed out candy.  I took the kids around to all the millions of cars passing out candy.  We were still pretty new to the ward so it was a bit awkward for me, but the kids fit right in.  

 

We all had a good time and the kids came home with WAY TOO MUCH candy! 

Funny story from that night, whenever someone would give Ashlee something with nuts she would look at them crazy and then turn to me and yell, "Mom, they gave me nuts again!  Geezz!!!"  It was the silliest thing and all I could do was shush her and tell her it was just fine.  That girl is a firecracker!

The next day the kids' school did a costume parade.  I was able to take the day off and helped out in Ethan's class and then was able to watch the parade.  Katelee was shy as always but she really enjoyed herself.  

Ethan was his normal crazy self and loved seeing everyone else.  

Once the classes reached the end of the parade they got to sit down and watch the rest of the kids walk by....  Here is Katelee with her class.

Ethan with his class.

After a little bit I snatched the kids up and we left school early!!!  

On Halloween we put out a bowl of candy and then headed to Grandma and Grandpa's house for their ward party.  We trick or treated inside and played games at each room for candy.  We also had dinner, which was yummy!  We still have some candy from Halloween and Daddy scored huge with all the nut candy the kids received.  He is not sad by that at all! 

Sleeping Angels

The human body is so amazing and I believe our Heavenly Father was divinely inspired when he created it.  Every aspect of our bodies were thought out and planned.  Each had their own function and place.  Our eyes, nose, brain, hands, thumbs, blood, muscles...  I could go on and on, but I think you get the picture.  We are capable of doing so much, running miles, lifting large amounts, comforting with hugs and tender touches, crying tears of joy and pain, creating life and giving birth.  Then every person, every body needs rest in order to continue to function.  It is a vital part of our daily life.  This I believe was truly inspired as well.  I don't think sleep was just an after thought, it was part of the plan, it had to be.  There is something so serene of seeing someone sleep, something peaceful and calming.  Often in death our loved ones appear to be asleep and that provides us with a sense of comfort that they are at peace.  

As a mother I have grown to love the view of a sleeping child.  Of course as a first time mother I loved when Ethan was asleep.  It meant I could sleep as well, it meant he didn't want to eat or be changed.  It calmed my nervous mother heart.  With each birth sleep was valued higher than the last.  As we move out of the newborn, up all night phase, sleep is still so calming to me.  There are days (more than I'd like to admit) that don't go so well.  Where the kids seem to find my last sting of sanity and pull with all their might.  Where scriptures are skipped and kids sent straight to bed.  And then before I climb into bed I check on the sleeping kids and am reminded anew how wonderful it is to be a mother.  How peaceful and beautiful each one of my kids is.  

I'm convinced my Father in Heaven knew I would have real rough mother days and he smiled knowing that each of my kids would eventually fall asleep and I would see them as they truly are and it would be his reminder to me how special they are, how lucky I am to have them in my life.  How fortunate I am to be called some form of mother by each one of them.  I once read a blog of a mother whose toddler child had died in his sleep.  For her the sight of any child sleeping was painful to see and would cause her anxiety due to this tragic death.  My mother heart ached so much for her, how tragic and how sad that such a source of joy and peace could cause someone else such pain.

Every night before I crawl (or fall some nights) into bed I go room to room and check on each child.  It allows me to go to sleep knowing each one of my kids is safe and sound.  One night I went into Ethan's room and he wasn't in bed.  I was a little upset with him thinking he had snuck out of bed to play or sneaking around the house.  I decide to check on Brynlee before I busted Ethan and how great was my surprise when I found him sleeping in the rocking chair in Brynlee's room.  They were both sound asleep.  The next morning I asked Ethan why he had slept in Brynlee's room and he said that he wanted to make sure she was ok all night.  (He really is a sweet boy)

How thankful I am for little reminders, such as a sleeping child, that the world is good, kids are great and being a mother is AWESOME!!!       

   

Ashlee's Transition to BIG SISTER

Ashlee has been the baby of the family for THREE long years.  She has enjoyed having cuddle time with mom and dad, being the youngest and getting some things because of that.  When Brynlee was born Ashlee was beyond excited to become a big sister.  It's all she could talk about for a while, that she was a BIG sister, not the little sister any more.  Her transition was pretty smooth, although we did have a week where she had three accidents, but once we caught on to that we gave her a little more special time and she hasn't had one since.  Here are just a few pictures from the first week of Ashlee being a big sister:

 

We had a few errands to run one day while the kids were in school.  We took Ashlee along with us.  She was a good girl, but towards the end of the trip she was very tired and bored.  I looked back at one point and Ashlee was playing with her fingers like they were people in the sun.  It was the cutest thing ever!

 

One day for nap time I was able to go up to put her down.  I told her to get a book to read and she insisted that she would read it to me.  She did a good job and didn't take too long, which really surprised me!

 



 

Ashlee was so cute when she would hold Brynlee.  She would beg to hold her and then after like 10 seconds she was done.  And you better be there to get Brynlee because she would practically throw her at you so she didn't have to hold her any more.  As I looked through my pictures the next day and saw this one it struck me as so sad.  My "baby" was holding our new baby, her life was changed forever and this picture was proof of it.  It also made me smile because that smile on Ashlee's face shows how excited she is to be in her new role and have Brynlee in our family.

 

 

And this picture is just a silly picture of Ashlee one night as she slept. She sleeps like this quite often when she finally falls asleep at night.  It takes her forever, For....Ever! 

 

 

Ashlee has adjusted quite well to her Big Sister role.  She loves her little sister dearly and loves being in her face and touching her all the time.  

Brynlee's First Bath

Around two weeks of age Brynlee's cord finally fell off so we were able to give her a real bath.  All of the kids wanted to "help" so that made for a real fun time for Mom and Dad.  I could hardly reach Brynlee because I had to reach around the girls that were standing on the stool, but we got it done.  Brynlee didn't completely hate it, but she wasn't the biggest fan either.

 

 

After she got out the kids continued on their mission to help and surrounded Brynlee while she got dried and dressed by daddy.  It was so cute how much the kids wanted to help. 

 

Daddy put lotion in Brynlee's hair and it was so adorable.  It just kind of stuck up a bit, but you could see that she actually had some hair. 

 

 

She was nice and calm after her bath and ready to sleep again....

 

Brynlee's First Days Home

Brynlee was quite a popular baby when she got home, of course.  Her big sister Katelee was enamored with her from before she was born. 

 

 

Maddy and Uncle Matt came over one day to meet her and Brynlee stayed awake for a while to meet them...

 

Ethan had baseball practice that day so when he got home and wanted to hold the baby I made him wear a cover because of his dirty shirt.  Don't blame him, he was just doing what his mother asked him to do.

 

We were so lucky to have GG down right after Brynlee was born.

 

Don't want to forget Ashlee and Aunt Anna!!!

Brynlee Hazel's Birth Story

This post is long and may be considered TMI, read at your own risk...

This pregnancy has been quite different from all my others one, except for one thing...  At 39 weeks I was still not dialated at all...  How does that even happen?  After three other kids and my body still refuses to start labor on it's on???  Being that this is completely normal for us we were good to go when the Dr. suggested that we be induced, only difference this time was he wanted us to go into the hospital late at night.  He thought this would be best since my cervix was not dialted or softened at all...  After I protested a bit he did agree to go straight to Pitocin induction if I was dialated when I got to the hospital...  This time we didn't just have to worry about who would watch out kids, but we also had to worry about how Ethan and Katelee would get to school.  We finally worked it out that Ethan would stay the night at our good friends, the Maynor's house.  He walks with them to school every day so it seemed to be better than having my mom take Ethan at 7:20am to school and having to wake the girls up to go with her.  The girls stayed at my parent's house since Katelee doesn't have school until 11:40am.  It was tough for me to accept that my mother wouldn't be able to join us for this birth like she has for all of the others, but things change and we have to adapt, right?

 

Monday night we took my parents to dinner and then we dropped Ethan off at Aiden Maynor's baseball game.  We headed back over to my parent's and hung out there till about 9:30pm, then we headed to the hospital.  (Side story, we have delivered all of our children at Valley Hospital.  It's in the ghetto, but it's closer to us and it has a level 3 NICU...  Well they decided to close their maternity floor the week before our Brynlee was due, so we had to go to Summerlin Hospital this time around.  It's pretty far away, but they have a level 3 NICU as well...I am one of those mothers that wants the comfort of knowing my baby can be taken care of in the hospital we deliver at, if needed.)  We got to the hospital at 10pm, our scheduled time to arrive, and we were quickly told that they were packed and wouldn't be able to see us right then.  They apparently had called us to inform us to not come in, but they called our house phone after we had already left for the night.  So after trying to get a timeframe from the nurse we decided to head home and just go to bed.  If they called in a few hours at least we had a few hours of sleep.  We went to bed and they didn't call until 7:30am and asked us to come in at 8:30.  I had slept alright, but the anticipation of getting a call in the middle of the night woke me up several times.  And did I mention that I was still fighting a horrible cough?  Well it was about day 5 of the cough and it seemed to be getting a bit better, but it still woke me up at times.  We got to the hospital at 8:30am and they got us to our room, it was officially going to happen.

 

 

The nurse came in and gathered ALL the information they gather.  She checked me and determined that I was at a 1 (WOW) and my cervix was super soft, so she would let my doctor know and hopefully he would just skip the 12 hour long induction way...  It worked and they got me hooked up to Pitocin.  With all of the other kids it took 6 hours from when they get the Pitocin hooked up to delivery.  We were ready for that again...  Things went really smooth, Brynlee was a champ and never had any moments that worried anyone.  Her heart rate was super strong the entire time and she stayed on the monitor for the majority of the time.  Before they ruptured my water they got the epidural started and that was a bit more painful than normal, but it worked and I guess in the end that is all that really mattered.  I was not progressing at my normal rate, but I was making some improvement so it wasn't a real concern.  At six hours I was barley a 6 or 7 so they had me start laying on my side in a certain way to try to get the baby's head to push on my cervix.  I started to feel some pressure in my back, but when I was checked I wasn't much different. 

 

Poor Chris was freezing and I was so hot...  He was studying and kept blowing warm air into his hands to warm up.  Eventually the socks came off and those blankets never went on me...  poor guy wouldn't change the air temperature even though I told him to multiple times...

 

Chris jokingly said that Grandma Karolyn wouldn't stop talking to Brynlee and that is what was taking so long.  I started crying at the though of how sweet that was, and how very true!  From then on there was a special spirit in the room and no rush for our little girl to get here if she really was hanging out with loved ones that had passed on.  Our focus was changed and I was fine with Brynlee taking as long as she needed to, to say good-bye to everyone she might be hanging out with.  We switched sides and after about an hour I had a lot more pressure in my back, so the sweet nurse agreed to check me and I was a 10.  She had me push a few times, to which I was a complete failure, and then she said, "you'll get it figured out by the time the doctor comes, you've had three other kids!"  Talk about stress, what if I didn't figure it out?  And how on earth was I not pushing right?  I have three other kids that I successfully pushed out....  Well after a few pushes she said, "Ok, that was perfect, no more pushing I'm calling Dr. Bart and we will push again when he comes."  Well just then another nurse came in and said Dr. Bart had called and he would be up in 5 minutes and she better have me ready...  The Dr. came up and got all ready and I pushed one full contraction and then started on another when he told me to stop so he could suction out the baby's mouth.  I didn't push again, she just popped on out.  They placed her on my chest and I sobbed like a new mother sobs.  She was born at 6:33pm.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The spirit was so strong and so were her lungs!  The girl cried/screamed for quite a while.  They rubbed her off and Chris eventually cut the cord.  One thing I love about Summerlin Hospital is they do everything for the baby in the room, so I was able to see it all this time.  Her first bath, measuring and all the other medical stuff they do.  She was perfect, she had a little blond hair and super long fingers.  She looked just like Ashlee to me. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 This is in grams, the regular weight was 7lbs 9oz... and 19 1/2 inches, with a bent knee (Chris says)

This time it was just Chris and I in the delivery room.  He studied for a portion of it, since his big exam was in a week.  I laid around and dosed off and on, watched some horrible TV and read a little.  My mother was watching the kids and wasn't able to be there for the birth, but I know Karolyn was there, she was very much felt!  I could feel her and almost hear her talk my ear off with excitement.  It was a sweet, sweet experience, different in its own way from the other kids' experiences.  They are all sweet just this one was a different kind of sweet experience.

 

Ethan had a ball game that night so my parents took him and the girls to that since Brynlee was born later than we expected.  With the kids having school the next day and Summerlin Hospital being so far away they decided just to come out the next day.  So it was just me, Chris and Brynlee.  The postpartum rooms were all full so we stayed the night in the delivery room.  I didn't get much sleep, Brynlee decided to stay away forever.  Chris did get a few minutes or hours of sleep... While Brynlee and I got to know each other a little more.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I enjoyed the quite time and getting to hold this fresh little princess from my Heavenly Father, but I was exhausted too...  Around 5am Brynlee spit up a massive amount of amniotic fluid and started chocking on it.  I jumped up to my knees in the bed and rolled her over to her side while shouting for Chris to get up and help me.  Her lips started turning blue and I yelled at Chris to pull the nurses emergency cord.  My nurse and few others rushed in and helped out.  Our nurse was so great, she looked at me and said, "I think Mom needs a good hour of sleep, can we take her to the nursery for a bit so you can sleep?"  I was so grateful for her suggestion because I was beyond tired.  They took her for a few hours and I got some sleep.  I finally called them back when it was time to feed her again and after I had taken a nice nap.  It was much needed!

 

After school and my dad got out of work the kids and grandma and grandpa came over.  Grandpa Snickers had already been by at lunch time and spend some good time cuddling with Brynlee.  The kids were beyond excited to see their new sister.  We were told we could go home once Brynlee was 24 hours old, and we were ready to get home.  The kids stayed for a little while and then grandma and grandpa took them home.  It felt a little overwhelming having all of the kids there and a little like "what the heck did we do having another kid?"  But we just can't imagine life without her, out family was missing her!

 

 

 

 

 

We were all packed and ready to go and then we sat around and waited and waited.  Chris fell asleep and when he woke up an hour later was surprised it was so late.  He went down to see where we were on discharge and a little while later the nurse came in and we were ready to go.  My Grandma Alberta made a beautiful dress out of one of Grandma Karolyn's old shirts, so she could be apart of our special day!  We made it her "going home" outfit and she was beautiful in it.  Brynlee was a bit cranky about going home just because I didn't know if I should start feeding her or wait till we got home...  So her pictures in the dress that night weren't the best.

 

 

We finally got to go home and were welcomed by my parents, Uncle Matt and his friend.  The kids were all upstairs asleep, that's how late we got home.... 

 

This recovery has been my easiest yet, I felt great after birth, my pain was almost nonexistent and I was up and moving with no problems.  I guess that is what happens when you get to number four!  Our family feels complete with little Brynlee Hazel, she is a joy to have around and a great baby!  Welcome to the world little lady!  We are so glad you are finally here!