I was never one to cry when I was younger. I didn't really start showing my emotional side until I had my first child, He changed EVERYTHING!! I feel that as a mother you earn the right to cry at/because of anything... And so I abuse that right and cry at quite a lot of silly things. The other day I was thinking of something and the thought came to my mind, "Man, I'm gonna cry when I can't do that any more." After that I started thinking of all the things I'm gonna miss or cry at when I realize they are gone. I don't like to sound self observed or anything like that but most of the things I will miss are quite vain. For example, I have a massive calf muscle. I tried to take a picture for "journaling" sake, however my legs are so white you couldn't see it. Chris tells me that it's over sized, and I take that as a complement. Trust me I don't spend hours upon hours working on these calf muscles, I really don't know how you get that muscle to grow, but I'm proud of it. And in the back of my mind I often think, man when I get old that muscle is gonna disappear. I won't be able to randomly show people my massive muscle and compare them. To me that's kinda sad and pathetic all at the same time! But I'm gonna miss that muscle one day and I know my kids will never believe I ever had it! So sad, I know!
Then there is the thought that one day my son is going to tell me that I throw like a girl. This thought scares me to DEATH!!! I fear for this day, or a day similar to it when he decides he is too old to play catch with his mom, that I'm to fragile and he doesn't want to hurt me. Sounds pretty lame I know, but it literally makes me want to cry at just the thought! I LOVE baseball/softball, I hope my kids will have the same love I grew up with for it. If not, that is fine, but I think it would be pretty awesome if they knew the game inside and out, if they wanted to play it 24/7.... And especially I'd love it if one day my son or sons (if we get another boy one day...) was being interviewed after he made the winning catch or hit the winning run in for the world series and he said I learned everything I know from my Dad and MOM! How my heart will swell with pride, yes evil pride, if he said that one day! And so to hear him say he doesn't want to play catch with me one day will break my heart and make me cry!
One day I will look back at this picture and miss how little my oldest child is. One day Ethan will tower over me and make me feel so small. How will I possibly be able to say that he is my little boy when one day he is bigger than I am? I look back at pictures from even six month ago and get a little saddened by how much he has grown. It feels like the kid grows everyday. Aren't kids suppose to take their time growing? I will miss his cute little fingers when they become much bigger than mine. I will miss his tight little hugs and squeezes on my hand. I will miss being able to catch him, stand still when he pushes on me and catch him when he jumps on me. This too is very sad, so sad!
I will miss the sight of all my kids hanging out together. One day they will have their own friends and their siblings will be put on the friend back burner until they realize how wonderful family is. Ashlee just has to see her brother or sister and a smile appears, nothing more than their face needs to be seen. And Ethan and Katelee automatically smile when they see Ashlee. Melts my heart, even when they are fighting, I know one day I will miss the sound of their yelling and screaming.
I will cry when my kids no longer look up to me with eyes that say, I will do anything you tell me to do... I trust you completely.... One day I will become to my kids, "just my mom" not my "awesome mom, or smart mom" How sad that will be. I love seeing the trust and adoration in my kids' eyes when they look at me, speak to me and hug me. One day I will cry when they go through the phase of thinking I'm an idiot or don't understand what they are going through... Every kid does it to their parents, why would mine be an exception?
I will cry the day I'm unable to carry any of my kids. Ethan is already close to never being carried by me again... He is getting HUGE. I love holding my little girls. I love especially cuddling with Ashlee, holding her against my chest and smelling her little head... I am taking it all in because I know sooner than later I won't be able to do that any more.
This is just a few of the MANY things that will make me cry one day. Chris and I were talking about the day we try to tell our kids not to do something that will hurt them terribly and they do it anyways. My heart aches now just thinking about that. It's amazing how your world comes around full circle. I was told by my parents many times not to do things and I did them anyways. They were only trying to save me pain and instead I had to experience it firsthand, how sad my parents must have been to see that happening. But as I think of these things I try to remind myself that I need to enjoy EVERY MINUTE NOW!! Enjoy playing catch with Ethan now, enjoy the constant chatter and bickering of the kids NOW, enjoy holding my babies in my arms (no matter what time it is) NOW, enjoy being admired almost to annoyance NOW and so much more!!! I have a new resolve to live in the moment NOW... Because soon this moment will only be something I look back and dream about and even shed a few tears about!!!!