Thirty Six Weeks

THIRTY-SIX WEEKS

Friday marked my 36 weeks of being pregnant with this little lady.  The last month of this pregnancy have been quite full of fun times, proving that every pregnancy is different.  Ashlee came down with the stomach bug on Saturday night.  She started throwing up around 6 and didn't stop until about 2:30am.  I made her sleep with me and Chris, and that meant I didn't get much sleep.  Every little move she made I grabbed the bucket to make sure she threw up in that and to check on her a million times that night.  Ashlee and I stayed home from church that day, she watched TV like nothing happened at all and I tried to catch up on the sleep I missed out on.  Ashlee was fine from there on out...  The resilience of a three year old is AMAZING!  I had a doctors appointment Monday morning.  I was a bit hot in the office, but that is nothing new for me.  I picked up lunch on my way into work, ate and then had a conference call in my co-workers office.  During the meeting I started feeling a bit woozy, but thought it was just because it was getting warm in there.  I excused myself and grabbed some water and came to my office to sit in front of my fan for a bit to cool down.  Next thing I know, I'm kneeling down on the floor pucking up lunch into my garbage can under my desk....  Afterwards I felt pretty good but was pretty sure that was not going to be the last of it...  I called Chris and asked him to come get me since I was scared to drive home and not get pulled over fast enough if I needed to.  He picked the kids up from school when they got out and then they came to get me.  In the mean time I yacked again and was just ready to get home.  He picked me up and then we headed to get Ashlee from my parent's house and then home.  I made it home with only yacking two times in the car...  The rest of the day is a day I have been trying to forget since it happened.  I went straight to my room when we got home and didn't leave there the rest of the day.  Until midnight I was up yacking, there was a point where for two solid hours I vomited every 10 minutes or less.  I was amazed that I had anything left in me, even stomach acid.  I couldn't keep down anything including water.  Around midnight I was finally able to sleep.  The next day I worked from my bed, still not feeling well enough to really do anything normal.  I tried my best to rehydrate, knowing that my little baby needed me to.  I had to sip anything I drank, feeling nauseous all over again if I drank too much at one time.  I went into work the next day and was feeling better.  The next day I woke up and couldn't get out of bed again.  I felt horrible all over again, and actually called into work around 6am and then went back to sleep until 1:30pm.  After that I forced myself to get out of bed and shower.  Friday was ok, but Saturday I was back to feeling yucky again.  We had a lot to do that day, so I just dealt with it, but it was horrible.  Sunday I started feeling a bit better and then Monday I was better still.  Finally around Wednesday of the following week I was finally back to pretty normal.  My strength was finally back and I could start eating more normal foods again.  I had another doctor appointment the next Monday.  I was feeling great and even lost 6lbs.  I thought I had gained some of it back, but apparently I hadn't quite gotten back to even with everything I lost from this whole ordeal...  But everything is good now, and honestly I had the 6lbs to lose. 

I'm still having major heartburn and indigestion, from the most random things.  This usually only strikes at night and has made for many nights of sleeping sitting up.  This little lady is very active, moving around constantly and with quite the force behind her kicks.  I have been diagnosed with Polyhydramnios, which is excess amniotic fluid.  I have been measuring about 4 weeks larger than average and had an ultrasound twice to verify fluid levels.  They are still high, but the baby looks fine and there isn't really a concern.  The only real concern is that with excess fluid the baby has more room to move around, including flipping to a breach position, however she has been head down for quite a while now...  At the 32 week ultrasound the estimated size of Brynlee was 5lbs...  (these figures can be off by a pound or so...)  This put her in the 67th percentile for size, and she did have some cute cheeks...  The other concern with having excess fluid is that I have a higher chance of going into labor earlier...  I'll believe that one when I see it.  Friday I will officially be 37 weeks so I think we are doing pretty good!

The kids are still very excited about Brynlee, all of them pay special attention to my tummy and are always trying to feel her move.  Usually whenever they put their hands on my belly they can get a kick or shove from Brynlee, already such a great little sister, showing her siblings love!  I get multiple kisses on my belly a day and especially from Ashlee as she cuddles with me in the early mornings!  She will give me a kiss and then kiss my belly and talk to Brynlee.  It's the cutest thing!  She has the makings for being a really great big sister already!   We are all getting excited for her arrival, some excitement is more filled with anxiety and the feelings of not being prepared enough, but most the time it's just excitement of welcoming another sweet spirit into our family! 

Friday the NSB Operations group threw me a surprise baby shower.  It was so unexpected, I felt so loved.  I got showered with gifts and love, and yummy treats!  They tricked me with a scheduled two hour meeting to discuss Policy and Procedure.  I was not looking forward to two hours of that, so the shower was even more special!  All in all things are going good.  I'm more sore and have experienced more pain during this pregnancy than any other, but I attribute that to me being older this time and it being baby number 4...  Right?  I have eaten more TUMs in the last few months than I think I have in my entire life.  But I already know that little Brynlee Hazel is well worth that!  We are all so excited for her entrance into this world and introduction to this earthly family!   

Our Ashlee is THREE!!!

I cannot believe that my little girl is THREE today!  Where has the time gone?  It seems like just yesterday she was born and we were suddenly a family of five.  This girl is her own unique self, spunky, sassy, sweet and just plain Ashlee!  The first year or so of her life she was a mellow, go with the flow kind of girl and now she is go, go, go and just a monster.  She is independent, does whatever she wants to do.  She talks back, says things she knows she shouldn't and just smiles at you when you try to reprimand her.  She will say yes to time out, yell at you in frustration and hit her siblings when they make her mad.  She acts shy until she gets comfortable and then watch out!  Her smile is infectious, her giggle is mischievous and her facial expressions are far beyond any I have ever seen.  She talks with her hands and her looks.  She gives you a mean stare when you try to give her one.  She mimics you and copies what you say in a mocking tone.  Ashlee can be heard a mile away, she knows not how to whisper.  If she can't hear you she will yell, "I can't hear you!"  Even if you are at church and trying to whisper.  Don't get me started on going potty in the toilet...  She knows exactly what she is doing and when she wants to she will, but if it's not her idea, or if she just plain doesn't want to, she just wont!  So frustrating for all of us involved, but not Ashlee.  She is still a big girl in her own eyes, just ask her.  Every morning around 6:30 she comes marching into our room and announces that her tummy says it's time to wake up...  She wakes the entire household up with her loud voice and sounds... 

She also gives the best hugs, kisses and loves.  She wipes off your kisses, unless you are her father and you tell her you love her the most.  She cuddles at night and asks you to sing to her.  She kisses my belly and loves a little sister that has no idea how much trouble she is going to be in with her.  She has the cutest and warmest smile.  She is quick to say I'm sorry and apologize.  She is famous for responding, "I sure can" when you ask her for help or to clean up.  She has one heck of an arm...  Ashlee loves to pick out her own clothes and try to brush her own teeth.  She's not much into getting her hair done, she pulls her bows and ponytails out after a little while of getting her hair done.  She is her mother's spitting image and apparently personality as well.  She drives her brother and sister crazy, but they love her just as much as she annoys them.  She is a smart girl, she can sing her alphabet already...  (for the most part)  She catches on to things very quickly and is always leaving us speechless.  (good and bad!)  She is still our skinny and tall girl.  She is finally 30lbs and 3T pants look like capris on her.  Her hair is growing slow and steady.  It's very curly just like her sisters so it looks shorter than it really is. 

No matter how crazy and naughty this little girl is, she has stolen all of our hearts.  We cannot stay upset at her for too long, she makes sure of it!  This little 7lbs 10 oz girl slipped quickly into our hearts and lives 3 years ago today.  Life before her is very hard to remember and we like it that way!  Happy Birthday my little monster!  We love you!

30 Weeks

So I have made it to 30 weeks and still growing.  I realized that I haven't blogged that much about this pregnancy so I thought I would give an update.  I have been feeling pretty good lately.  About a month or so ago I was plagued with a cold that I just couldn't get rid of.  I would feel better one day and then wake up completely miserable the next.  I finally got some antibiotics from the OBGYN once we reached 3 weeks of trying to fight it.  They seemed to work and got to feeling pretty good.  I still have a cold and a small cough at times, but compared to how I was feeling before I consider myself healed!!  The big problem with that cold is that I wasn't really able to ride my new bike or run because I couldn't breath while doing it.  One day while feeling better I rode for about 30 minutes and the next day I felt horrible so I didn't dare do that again.  I will blame that for gaining 12lbs in 5 weeks at one point.  (There were also the holidays, but I'm sticking to the cold as the reason for the gain)  It's actually quite odd, because with Ethan and Katelee I gained 12lbs as well in one month.  I guess my body just decides to be pregnant one month and I pay for it on the scale.  Luckily this last month I only gained 3 lbs, so I feel much better about that.  Currently I'm up 30lbs total and I'm ok with that.  I saw the doctor Monday and I'm measuring quite a bit larger than normal.  I was 29 1/2 weeks and measuring 34.  I tend to measure a bit bigger with my babies and I'm sure the weight gain is not helping much...  The dr. has requested that I do another ultrasound just to check the size of the baby, she doesn't feel any bigger than the others, but my memory isn't all that good either...  Brynlee is quite active and loves to keep it moving in there.  I love to feel her kicks and crazy movements, it doesn't get much better than feeling that baby move around.  The only time it gets a bit annoying is at work when I pull in close to my desk.  I end up with part of my belly touching the desk and apparently Brynlee doesn't like that, so she gives quite the kicks against the desk.  It hurts a bit, so I usually end up moving back...  I guess if my space was being invaded I would probably fight back as well.  If she is being super active and I'm trying to get some rest or it has become a bit much I just have Chris put his hand on my belly and she calms down.  It's funny, Chris has a magic calming hand.  She usually stops completely.  Poor Chris doesn't get to feel her much because of his magic touch, but it sure helps me out at times!  The kids are super excited and I love it.  Ethan is always the sweetest to my belly, he has always been this way all the way back to when I was pregnant with Katelee.  Katelee is typical Katelee, cold and hot with my belly.  She will kiss it at times and then goes weeks without really acknowledging it at all.  Ashlee is always pointing out that I have a baby in my tummy and she just has a tummy.  She tends to pat my tummy more than anything else.  She is excited to be a big sister, but I'm positive she has no clue what is coming...  This baby has caused me a bit more sickness than the others, I tend to get much more indigestion and heartburn with her.  I have issues of waking up swallowing vomit, yummy, making for a full night of sleeping propped up with my bucket in arms.  No big deal, she is already worth it!  It is a bit uncomfortable and a tad annoying, but I haven't been able to identify a trigger.  I still can't believe that we are having our THIRD girl...  Ethan is still a little bitter that he doesn't get a brother, but he isn't mad at the baby for being a girl!  We just learned today that the hospital we have delivered all of our kids at is closing their maternity ward on April 17th...  I'm due the 25th...  We might still make it, but odds are we will be delivering at a new hospital for our last little one.  Chris takes his PT Board Exam on April 30th and we have been going back and forth about trying to wait until after that to have this baby.  That way Chris would be able to study without a newborn to help out with.  The doctor is fine with going a week late, but with me measuring big we will just have to see.  Then sometimes I think it might be best to have this baby before his exam..  What if we wait and then I go into labor on my own the night before, the day of the exam...  That wouldn't be good!  So we shall see, knowing our kids and how stubborn they are, Brynlee will decide to come on her own so we have no choice in the matter...  Whatever happens will be great!  I'm flying to Houston in two weeks for a work meeting, that should be fun!  I have been given instructions from the dr to stand and stretch every hour and take a nap as soon as I get there.  Chris is giving me stretches to do on the plane...  I'm sure I will be up every hour going potty with the amount of water my doctor wants me to drink on the plane.  I can't wait for all the stares I'm going to get at the airport...  We have a lot going on in the Nelson household, a birthday, school, sports and more so I have been keeping busy!  I haven't had a freak out moment yet about having another kid, I have been extremely excited from day one with this one...  I'm sure that moment will come, but for now I'm just looking forward to a little baby girl coming to our tiny little house and completing our family!!! 

“No other success can compensate for failure in the home.”

Friday I had a really good day at work.  The FDIC has been at my bank conducting a Compliance Exam.  This exam is all mine, I am 100% responsible for the outcome.  They were here for a data validation exam for a week and a half, gone for half a week and then here again for three weeks.  This has been a bit stressful for me, as my days at work have started earlier and gone later than normal.  Chris and the kids have put up with me getting home later than normal and bringing home some of the stress of work.  They were great for me and helped make it easier.  Friday was their exit meeting with the bank executives as well as the compliance executives (my boss and his boss.)  I scored the highest you can score and was complimented by the FDIC for my hard work and the job that I am doing.  This was at 9:30am, I was on cloud nine after that.  It is always nice when your hard work pays off, it's nice to get complimented and it's even more nice when people express their gratefulness for you and the job you are doing. 

Later that day, still on cloud nine I got an email from Ethan's school teacher informing me that he had a rough week in class and in specials.  She is use to his goofiness, but this week was different, he wasn't listening and was being mean in some instances.  This was/is not the kind of email I ever want to get.  Ethan is a smart boy, he really is a sweet boy, so to hear that he is having a hard time at school made me sad.  I was at a loss, what was I suppose to do to help him out?  This has been a big fear of mine with him starting all day school.  I stressed before school even started that he might make the wrong friends and that he would not make the best choices...  I forwarded the email to Chris so he could see what I got and so we could discuss it later at home...  Needless to say, cloud nine soon disappeared...  I now felt like I was free falling instead of floating on a magical happy cloud.  As I drove home I called my mother and talked with her a bit, and then got off the phone and started crying.  Immediately the following quote popped into my head:

“No other success can compensate for failure in the home.”

At this very moment I felt like a bit of a failure as a mother, my son was being mean at school to other students, not listening and getting in trouble in class.  Clearly I wasn't doing something right and now I had to figure it out...  My work day had been so great and now that meant nothing because I felt like I was failing in an even greater area, a more important one.  I listened to a general conference talk on the way home, hoping to inspire me and uplift me...  It worked a bit, but I think it didn't really hit me until I was attending the temple Saturday that I totally got the reason why that quote would come to my mind.

It's not that I'm a failure at home, it's not that I'm the worst mother ever, it's not even close to that...  It was just a reminder that my greatest successes will always come from my home, they will not come from my work life.  Yes, I have had many great successes at work, especially this past six months and I'm very grateful for them, do not get me wrong...  But my greatest joy and happiness will always come from what happens with my family and the things we accomplish as a family!  They, my family, are the reason I'm here.  They are the reason I wake up every day and have reason to be thankful.  They are the reason my cup runneth over with blessings that could never be counted.  They are the reason for everything I do in my life.  They are the reason for my work success, they are the smiles that know how to melt my heart.  The joy I feel within my heart when they have an accomplishment of their own, far surpasses the joy I feel for my own accomplishments.  

When that quote first popped into my mind I was discouraged and sad, but now I see it a whole new way.  It was a gentle reminder that my family means more than anything else in this life, and that while my temporal successes are great, they are not anything in comparison to my family and home successes. 

It's always nice to be reminded of where we really stand in the whole realm of things, even better when we actually get it!   

Random Thoughts

The other day while grocery shopping I turned the corner in the dairy department and was struck with a sudden sadness and longing for my mother in law. I don’t get why that corner at that time and the dairy had to do with anything related to my mother in law, but something must have triggered in my mind. This is not the first time this has happened, it happens quite often. I miss that lady like crazy and I know I’m not the only one, especially in my family. Yesterday Katelee did the lesson during FHE on the Plan of Salvation. We went through each step that was laid out on her poster. Pre-Existence, birth, earth and then death. Grandma Snickers was brought up and it was interesting to have the kids bring up her as an example of someone that had died and was now in the Sprit World. Grandpa Rufus was also mentioned and Cousin Brian… Then we moved on to the Resurrection. This was a sweet part of the FHE lesson. Chris mentioned that when we are resurrected our bodies are perfect. He then mentioned that Grandma was so sick here on earth and often didn’t feel well and didn’t have hair when she died. Then he explained that after the resurrection she would not be sick, not have aches and pains and would have her hair again. Katelee seemed amazed that her hair would be back. It was a sweet, sweet lesson and experience with the family. Tonight at dinner Katelee brought up that she couldn’t believe that Grandma would have hair again when she was resurrected. We were all commenting on this and then Kate looked at me and said, “Oh no, please don’t cry!” Mind you, I wasn’t even close to crying, really. But she is just so use to me crying when talking about Grandma Snickers that she just expected me to cry. Ethan chimed in that he cries a lot about Grandma and that it’s ok to cry. I want my kids to feel that they can cry and mourn, they don’t have to hid it or keep it in. I think Katelee is afraid to cry in front of people, but Ethan is comfortable crying.

As we plan for this little baby girl to come we have been trying to come up with a plan for who will watch our kids while we are delivering. Karolyn has always watched the kids so my mother could join me and Chris for the birth. We will eventually figure it out, but it’s just a different kind of sadness knowing that she won’t be there. That she wont be able to bring the kids to the hospital to see their new sister and that she will not be there to welcome little Brynlee (Name could change, it’s like 95% a positive thing) as well. Oh, I believe she already knows her and that makes me feel a bit better about all of it, but it still wrenches at my heart. How grateful we are to know that we will see Karolyn again, how thankful we are to know that Families are Forever and that this life is only but a small moment. That our lost loved ones are not really ever lost, just gone on forward before us. Oh how we miss Karolyn, a lot, but time is making this new way of life easier and sadly more normal….

Our Ethan...

Sometimes this kid makes me laugh and sometimes he makes me wanna pull my hair out. The other day a note got sent home from his teacher to all parents. During recess her whole class had been involved in a chant while two other kids were not getting along. She wanted us to talk with the children about bullying and that we do not encourage fighting or being rude to other kids. Stapled to this computer generated note was a hand written note that informed me, Mrs. Nelson, that Ethan had been the one to start the chant "fight, fight!" I read this note and didn't know what to say!?! I talked with Ethan about what him saying those things might say about his family and our home life. He didn't really get it. He didn't really see what was wrong, he didn't get into a fight, the kids were going to fight anyways... He went on and on. I explained that as a family we love each other and we never encourage each other to fight. He agreed, but I don't think he still got it, really. I told Ethan that I would discuss it with his father and we would determine his punishment after we talked. We decided to ground him from his bike and friends for a week, also an earlier bed time all week. He agreed it was a fair punishment. Although he would have loved his idea of no Wii for a week.... He hasn't played the Wii in a month... The next night was our ward Christmas party. We were waiting in line to see Santa and the kids were messing around with the other kids in line. Two brothers started pushing each other and what did my son do, with me right there? He started chanting "fight, fight!" I dragged that boy out so fast he didn't know what to do. We had a good little reminder talk about why he was grounded... That night as I was telling Chris about it, we both just stopped and laughed... What else can you do? The kids is a good kid, he is a kind kid, but he is also MY kid. I can't expect perfection when he came from ME? Can I? I laugh when I tell my friends what he did, I know he shouldn't have done it, but he did and we have talked with him about it, so now all I have left to do is laugh about it. He has never and will never see me laugh about it, but it is really kind of funny to me. The boy is just like his mother! He is a crack up, he is a lover and he is unpredictable.... I recently was notified that I passed my CRCM exam. It was exciting news so we went out to dinner that night to Applebees (it's close to the house and it was a school night!) Ethan decided he was going to have the kid's steak. When our food comes Ethan looks at his plate and goes, "what the heck do you call this?" I, thinking he might have forgotten what he ordered, told him it was the kids steak. He looks put out and says, "I guess I should have gotten the adult steak, this thing is so small!" I just started laughing, the boy is 7 and this 5 oz steak just wasn't big enough. He was about half way done and complaining that he was still hungry. Chris told him he still had half his steak left and Ethan looked at him and said, "Ya, I've only had two bites!" This boy cracks me up! He ended up eating Katelee's left over mac n cheese, so he was eventually fine! The kid is an eater, specially when he is going through a growth spurt, makes me grateful at times to only have one boy! Ethan got two "Cs" on his report card and the rest were B's. He has been working from an F in one of the subjects, so I'm fine with a C. Call me a bad parent, but we rejoiced when he got a D on his progress report and then rejoiced again when it got moved to a C. He is a smart kid, he just needs to get a little more focused... But once again, he is MY son and I can't expect him to stay too focused, I can't even do that and I'm getting pretty old and experienced! Ethan is not all that excited to have ANOTHER sister, but he isn't throwing a fit about it either. The day after we found out about the girl news, he said he had a dream he lived with Ammon, but that has been the only real negative thing he has said since. All I know is that Ethan will have three little sisters that will be grateful one day for a crazy older brother...

Unexpected (Very Long Post)

Many things in life are unexpected.

A car breaking down, a child getting ill, some challenges in life are unexpected. But nothing has been more unexpected in our lives than what happened the weekend of September 6th, 2013.

Friday both Katelee and Ethan had baseball games. Grandma and Grandpa Snickers didn’t show up, but we figured Grandma just wasn’t feeling up to it that night. We went to dinner after the games were over and then headed home. It was late for us, but it was a Friday. When we got home Chris got a text from his dad that his mother was in the hospital and wanted a blessing. Chris helped put Ashlee to bed and then headed out to the hospital to administer to his mother. It had been a long day and I went to bed. I watched a bit of TV but eventually fell asleep and didn’t wake back up until Chris got home a little after 1am. I asked how his mom was doing and he said she has sepsis, an infection they don’t know the origin of, and was having some problems breathing. See was on oxygen, but the infectious disease doctor was going to be in tomorrow to see her. At this point I felt like everything was normal, Karolyn had been to the hospital many times and was always ok, so we both fell asleep.

Ethan had a baseball game Saturday morning that we woke up early for. Chris looked at his phone and realized he had a text from his dad. Karolyn had been placed on a ventilator in the middle of the night and was not doing well. We decided he needed to head back out to the hospital to be with his dad and I took the kids to the baseball game. When he got to the hospital they were still waiting for a few doctors to visit and then they would have more information. After the game my dad and I stayed to do some field clean up. During this field clean up I got a text from Chris saying the doctors had just been in and it was not looking good at all. He didn’t want the kids to see Grandma this way, but he felt like they should probably come out and see her one last time. My heart stopped as I read this message, how could it be this bad, this quick? I grabbed my dad and we headed to my parent’s house to get the kids. Ethan and I got cleaned up, we ate lunch and then my parents took the kids to Matt’s gun shop (right around the corner from the hospital) and I headed to the hospital. I wanted to see how Karolyn looked and if it was best for the kids to really see her. When I got there Chris told me that she was semi-conscious and could nod her head. Once I heard that I felt like the kids should come. They needed to talk to her and let her here them, let her know they wanted her to fight. (As I type this it sounds a bit silly, of course she knew they wanted her to fight, but maybe just maybe hearing their voices would give her a drive to fight!) My parents brought the kids over and we took them in to see her. Katelee came in, looked around and the many IV’s and ventilator and then said, “I don’t want to be here!” She walked out into the hallway with my mother. Ashlee didn’t know what was going on, Chris held her up so she could see Grandma and we told Grandma that the kids were there. She opened her eyes the best she could and nodded. Ethan was a little hesitant to talk to Grandma, he didn’t know what to say to her. (What six year old would?) He touched her hand and Ashlee talked in her quiet voice, which she never uses. My dad told her she would have been proud of Ethan at his game today. She did nod at my dad and then we decided that was long enough for the kids. My parents took the kids home and I stayed to be there a little longer. Chris’ sister got there from SLC a little later and Chris and I headed over to his parent’s house to get a few things.

While at the house Chris made a few phone calls to family that wanted updates. My heart broke as I looked around and saw Karolyn’s glasses on the table, shoes by the door, purse on the bench and other things that indicated she would be right back. My heart again broke listening to my sweet husband, struggling to talk on the phone with family due to tears. He was loving and truthful when asked how she was doing and tried to keep a positive vibe for the other person on the line. After a bit we headed back to the hospital. Poor Jim was so tired and Lisa was rubbing her mother’s hands trying to get the blue to go away. Chris and I broke the news that we were pregnant to Karolyn and Jim and we asked her to be nice as she picked a spirit for us. I stayed for a while longer and then decided I should go be with the kids. Chris stayed a little longer after I left, but headed home around 7pm. He felt ok leaving since Lisa was there to be with them. My prayers that night were more like pleading and begging with God to allow a miracle to happen. Let my kids’ grandma pull through so they could enjoy her laughter and sweet spirit longer. I sobbed as I prayed ending with a prayer for comfort to accept his will, but not really meaning it…

The next morning Chris’ two brothers were flying in from Dallas. Chris had planned on picking them up and dropping them off at the hospital and then heading back for church meetings. That night Ethan had been up all night coughing and not feeling well. Chris got up early, dressed for church and took Ethan to the doctor. He then went and picked up his brothers and then dropped Ethan off back at home. The kids said hello to their Uncles and then they headed off to the hospital. Once Chris got there he decided against leaving and going to church, which we both felt was the right decision. I took the kids to church with the intent to stay for all of it and have my parents pick Ethan up after sacrament since he wasn’t feeling well. Of course those plans changed after realizing how emotional I was. I cried during the entire special musical and nearly sobbed when my friend came into the bathroom and hugged me and offered to do whatever she could to help out. I decided then that I needed to be with my husband and support him and so I had my parents take all of the kids and I headed back out to the hospital.

When I got there my niece was in town from Cedar City and Karolyn’s brother and niece were also there. The mood was light, just like Karolyn would have liked it and everyone talked and laughed at the stories being told. The ICU staff was so nice and kind and didn’t ever once complain that we had too many people in her room or were being too loud… Pretty soon it was just Karolyn’s kids, husband, granddaughter and daughter in law left. We stood and sat around, taking turns rubbing her arms and wiping away small tears that would fall from Karolyn’s eyes. I decided to leave around 5 or so and headed to my parent’s house to eat and get the kids. Chris met us all there a little later. We headed home and Chris helped get the kids to bed and then headed back to the hospital. Later as I knelt down to pray, I pleaded for comfort and the will to accept the plan our Father had in store for our family. I expressed my opinion of the unfair and injustice of my kids losing a grandparent as such a young age, the injustice at the world losing such a great lady and especially of my losing a great mother in law so young. I sobbed for minutes with no words being uttered, but I know my Heavenly Father heard every pleading and pain within my heart.

Around nine I got a call from Chris letting me know they had decided that once Karolyn’s sister got into town and spend as much time with her as she wanted, they were going to take her off of the ventilator. Chris asked that I come out and join the family for that. I immediately got off the phone and called my mother. Without hesitation she agreed to head over and watch the kids so I could be out there. Pretty soon my mother and father were at our door, my dad in his work uniform in case he had to head to work from our home. I broke down when they got there, my emotions completely overtaking me. I asked my dad for a father’s blessing and he granted that to me. I was overcome by the spirit and felt a sense of comfort I desperately needed to feel. My dad then drove me out to the hospital and visited with Chris’ family for a while. He then went in and said his good-byes to Karolyn, of course telling her to say hi to his dad and let him know he missed him. He left a while later after hanging out with the family more.

Around eleven everyone went in separately and spent as much time with Karolyn saying our own good-byes. What do you say to someone for the very last time? Chris went in and I followed him about 10 or so minutes later. I told her I wished she had been a horrible mother in law, so this would have been easier, but then I thanked her for not being a terrible mother in law. Thanked her for being the best grandma my kids could have, thanked her for loving me so much and doing so much for our family. I wiped away tears that fell from her eyes, and I know deep down she heard us. Around midnight we all gathered back in her room and had a family prayer. Her boys and husband then gave her a blessing. The nurses then came in and prepared Karolyn to be taken off of the ventilator which was now doing all of her breathing. Once that was done we all gathered around her bed and watched as she took her last breaths. About 8 minutes later she took her last breath and passed into the next life.

Karolyn’s body was overcome with an infection it just could not fight off. With her going through chemo her body just wasn’t in fighting shape. Her kidneys shut down, circulation worsened and soon other internal organs began to shut down as well.

Silent tears fell from each of our eyes and hugs were given freely. We stayed in her room for about another hour and then headed back to their house. Chris later commented that the hardest and saddest part for him was not watching his mother take her last breath, but leaving her body all alone in her hospital room after she passed. I would agree, that part was tough, but it was no longer Karolyn, just her body. Her spirit wasn’t there any more. We visited at the house for a bit longer and then headed back home so my parents could get back home.

The next few days are a blur of activity. I worked Tuesday, but then took the rest of the week off. Chris had the whole week off. The funeral was planned and many other things taken care of. During this time Ethan told me when we were alone that Sunday night while he was doing a breathing treatment with Grandma Jiggs, that Grandma Snickers had spoken to him. He said he heard her voice say that she loved him and was going to miss him very much. Ethan immediately after telling me this broke down. His cousin had a similar experience. I know Karolyn loved her grandkids more than anything and so I believe she did tell Ethan that. Lisa, Julie and I went and dressed Karolyn in her temple clothes on Thursday and then we all headed up to Spanish Fork on Friday. My Aunt Net was so kind in changing her plans for the weekend and allowing my family to stay with her. She spoiled us rotten, with all the food, treats and love we could handle.

Saturday morning we headed into Spanish Fork for the family viewing. We set up the room and when the body arrived, the boys brought her in, including Ethan. He was so honored to be a pallbearer for his grandmother. He was an emotional mess the entire viewing, the devastating realization that his Grandma Snickers was gone pure evidence in his tears, sobs and face. The girls were their normal self, Katelee followed her cousin Spencer around Ashlee went wherever there were treats or attention. Ethan placed a colored picture in with Grandma before the casket was closed and then sat on Grandpa Snicker’s lap for the family prayer and sobbed. He broke everyone’s hearts, especially this mother’s heart! The body was then moved to the cemetery for the graveside services.

Ethan was the cutest pallbearer, serving with pride and love. He stood with all of the pallbearers during the services, standing in front of his great Uncle Brent the whole time. He held it together, though at times you could tell he wanted to breakdown. Chris conducted the services, Brian did the Eulogy, Lisa did the kid’s talk. I then read a poem I wrote for the services, followed by Sarah who did the Grandkid’s talk and then Chris did an awesome job on his closing remarks. Cory then dedicated the grave. It was a beautiful service for a remarkable and beautiful woman. The kids placed flowers on the grave, Ashlee explored the cemetery and found the perfect headstones to sit on. Katelee followed her cousin Spencer around some more and Ethan eventually discovered the pile of dirt and started jumping off of it.

We eventually left and headed back to my aunt’s house. Aunt Net and Uncle Randy took the kids to have some fun while Chris and I went to the family luncheon. After the luncheon we headed back and took a nap while Aunt Net and Uncle Randy took the kids to have some more fun. (I told you we were spoiled!!!) Later that night we had a birthday party for Katelee at Aunt Lisa’s house. Aunt Lisa went out of her way to make is super special for Kate, getting her an amazing cake, decorations and matching plates and cups. My sweet Cousin Tiffany even came with her kids to celebrate so Katelee would have some kids at her party.

We came home the next day to face the new reality of our lives. We headed back to work and school and have tried to slowly grow accustom to the new “normal.” A few nights ago I laid with Ethan as he sobbed uncontrollable about how much he missed his grandma. He told me all of the things he use to do with his grandma, all of the things she use to let him do and how much he loved and missed her. My mother heart didn’t know what to do. I just cried and laid next to him, telling him everything was going to be ok. He would keep saying, “The important thing to remember is that Grandma is with her parents now.” Or, “The important thing to remember is that Grandma is with Jesus and doesn’t feel pain any more.” The poor boy, he knows everything will work out, he just is human and doesn’t know how to apply it completely to our simple minds. He still has moments where he will cry and say he misses her and when we go over to Grandpa’s house he reminds me that we should still say Grandma and Grandpa’s house, because it was her house too! He has such a strong spirit and knowledge; I often stand in awe of the things he comes up with. The girls have moved on, seemingly un-phased by it all. I think Katelee has put up her guard and Ashlee is just too young to comprehend it all.

My heart is saddened that this baby within me will not get to do the same things with Grandma Snickers as the other kids did, but my heart is also gladdened knowing that this baby will get to do things with Grandma Snickers that the other kids didn’t get to do. I have learned more from this that you should always leave the ones you care about with them knowing how much you love them. You never know when you won’t have that chance again. The last time we saw Karolyn was at Katelee and Ethan’s baseball game that Tuesday. She came to as many games as she could. I always made the kids give hugs and thank them for coming and I’m so grateful I did that. I also gave hugs that night and am thankful for that. “If you love em tell them!”

Through this pain I have been reminded time and time again how much we are loved. How great my family and friends are. How willing and quick they are to serve us. As I prayed for comfort, our family and friends reached out to provide that. As we watched Karolyn slip from this life to the next, we were reminded how special and fragile life is. We received cards of sympathy, flowers, texts, hugs and so much more from those that love us. Each expression of love towards us did not go unnoticed and was appreciated beyond our ability to express. This has been a tough time for our family, but those around us have made it much easier to bear.

We talk of Grandma Snickers often, we miss her often and tears are still shed in remembrance of her often.