I sit at this desk.......
All day long, Monday thru Friday, I work here in this office to keep a roof over my family and food in our bellies. Often times I daydream about the day when I can stay home with my kids and enjoy their smiling, grouchy, happy, sad and ever changing faces. But most the time I sit at my desk and think how thankful I am to have a job that helps us provide for our family while Chris is in school. Most days I enjoy my job, I feel useful and productive. Other days I feel like I'm wasting my time and energy to a pit that sucks the happiness and energy right out of me. Some days I love reading and re-reading policies and other days I can't get past the heading, thoughts of my kids and what I'm missing playing in my head. 
But then there are weekends when I look forward to going to work and escaping the inadequacy I feel when I'm at home. At least at work I get an annual review that tells me how I'm doing and if I deserve a raise or not. I always get high marks and feel like I'm really improving in my position at work. But at home I often feel like I'm digressing. Some days I feel so productive and interact great with the kids and then there are those other days when I can't communicate anything without yelling and growling. What rates my improvement at home? Happy kids, clean house, clean clothes, warm planned out dinners every night or a happy husband? If it is a combination of those things, well frankly, I think I would have money taken away from me instead of a raise... Why do some days seem to go so smoothly and others so horribly? Does it ever get easier to do EVERYTHING you want/should get accomplished? Am I ready to stay at home with my kids all day-every day like I'd like to? Who knows.... But for the small moments when I see my kids laugh, run to me when they need comfort, cry when I leave their sight or cuddle with me I am ETERNALLY grateful for the gift I was given of being a mother. I often don't pass the "practical" tests at times, but the lessons I learn from the failures make the successes so much more wonderful! I love when I get something right, when for a small moment I feel like I'm a good mother. That feeling keeps me going and trying to be a better mother. Every night I pray that I can be a better mother and try harder.... I know its up to me and no one else to make me a better mother so all I can say now and in the future and forever is "I'm trying, and as long as I really am trying then I'm doing okay!" (Hopefully I don't mess Ethan and Katelee up too much in the process..... :)
Oh how I love these kids!
All day long, Monday thru Friday, I work here in this office to keep a roof over my family and food in our bellies. Often times I daydream about the day when I can stay home with my kids and enjoy their smiling, grouchy, happy, sad and ever changing faces. But most the time I sit at my desk and think how thankful I am to have a job that helps us provide for our family while Chris is in school. Most days I enjoy my job, I feel useful and productive. Other days I feel like I'm wasting my time and energy to a pit that sucks the happiness and energy right out of me. Some days I love reading and re-reading policies and other days I can't get past the heading, thoughts of my kids and what I'm missing playing in my head. 
But then there are weekends when I look forward to going to work and escaping the inadequacy I feel when I'm at home. At least at work I get an annual review that tells me how I'm doing and if I deserve a raise or not. I always get high marks and feel like I'm really improving in my position at work. But at home I often feel like I'm digressing. Some days I feel so productive and interact great with the kids and then there are those other days when I can't communicate anything without yelling and growling. What rates my improvement at home? Happy kids, clean house, clean clothes, warm planned out dinners every night or a happy husband? If it is a combination of those things, well frankly, I think I would have money taken away from me instead of a raise... Why do some days seem to go so smoothly and others so horribly? Does it ever get easier to do EVERYTHING you want/should get accomplished? Am I ready to stay at home with my kids all day-every day like I'd like to? Who knows.... But for the small moments when I see my kids laugh, run to me when they need comfort, cry when I leave their sight or cuddle with me I am ETERNALLY grateful for the gift I was given of being a mother. I often don't pass the "practical" tests at times, but the lessons I learn from the failures make the successes so much more wonderful! I love when I get something right, when for a small moment I feel like I'm a good mother. That feeling keeps me going and trying to be a better mother. Every night I pray that I can be a better mother and try harder.... I know its up to me and no one else to make me a better mother so all I can say now and in the future and forever is "I'm trying, and as long as I really am trying then I'm doing okay!" (Hopefully I don't mess Ethan and Katelee up too much in the process..... :) Oh how I love these kids!
3 comments:
Oh Hilary! I relate to this post so much. Sometimes I often envy those that get to go to work. That get to hear some sort of "good job" or even get to communicate with another adult. Or have something else to talk about besides my kids. But at the end of the day, when my kids are sleeping. I often find myself watching their chests rise as they sleep. I miss them! I love them, and then I realize how lucky I am to watch their days go by.
You are a great mom. I think what makes a great mom, is the part where you KEEP TRYING! Keep up the good work. Love ya!
Such a real post, spoken from the heart. You are an amazing wife and mother, don't ever forget that!
Love you!
You are not inadequate you are amazing. I have no doubt that one day "your children will rise up and call you blessed." They are among the lucky ones who were given a good mother. Thanks for your example!
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