Random Things That Will Make Me Cry One Day...

I was never one to cry when I was younger. I didn't really start showing my emotional side until I had my first child, He changed EVERYTHING!! I feel that as a mother you earn the right to cry at/because of anything... And so I abuse that right and cry at quite a lot of silly things. The other day I was thinking of something and the thought came to my mind, "Man, I'm gonna cry when I can't do that any more." After that I started thinking of all the things I'm gonna miss or cry at when I realize they are gone. I don't like to sound self observed or anything like that but most of the things I will miss are quite vain. For example, I have a massive calf muscle. I tried to take a picture for "journaling" sake, however my legs are so white you couldn't see it. Chris tells me that it's over sized, and I take that as a complement. Trust me I don't spend hours upon hours working on these calf muscles, I really don't know how you get that muscle to grow, but I'm proud of it. And in the back of my mind I often think, man when I get old that muscle is gonna disappear. I won't be able to randomly show people my massive muscle and compare them. To me that's kinda sad and pathetic all at the same time! But I'm gonna miss that muscle one day and I know my kids will never believe I ever had it! So sad, I know!

Then there is the thought that one day my son is going to tell me that I throw like a girl. This thought scares me to DEATH!!! I fear for this day, or a day similar to it when he decides he is too old to play catch with his mom, that I'm to fragile and he doesn't want to hurt me. Sounds pretty lame I know, but it literally makes me want to cry at just the thought! I LOVE baseball/softball, I hope my kids will have the same love I grew up with for it. If not, that is fine, but I think it would be pretty awesome if they knew the game inside and out, if they wanted to play it 24/7.... And especially I'd love it if one day my son or sons (if we get another boy one day...) was being interviewed after he made the winning catch or hit the winning run in for the world series and he said I learned everything I know from my Dad and MOM! How my heart will swell with pride, yes evil pride, if he said that one day! And so to hear him say he doesn't want to play catch with me one day will break my heart and make me cry!

One day I will look back at this picture and miss how little my oldest child is. One day Ethan will tower over me and make me feel so small. How will I possibly be able to say that he is my little boy when one day he is bigger than I am? I look back at pictures from even six month ago and get a little saddened by how much he has grown. It feels like the kid grows everyday. Aren't kids suppose to take their time growing? I will miss his cute little fingers when they become much bigger than mine. I will miss his tight little hugs and squeezes on my hand. I will miss being able to catch him, stand still when he pushes on me and catch him when he jumps on me. This too is very sad, so sad!

I will miss the sight of all my kids hanging out together. One day they will have their own friends and their siblings will be put on the friend back burner until they realize how wonderful family is. Ashlee just has to see her brother or sister and a smile appears, nothing more than their face needs to be seen. And Ethan and Katelee automatically smile when they see Ashlee. Melts my heart, even when they are fighting, I know one day I will miss the sound of their yelling and screaming.

I will cry when my kids no longer look up to me with eyes that say, I will do anything you tell me to do... I trust you completely.... One day I will become to my kids, "just my mom" not my "awesome mom, or smart mom" How sad that will be. I love seeing the trust and adoration in my kids' eyes when they look at me, speak to me and hug me. One day I will cry when they go through the phase of thinking I'm an idiot or don't understand what they are going through... Every kid does it to their parents, why would mine be an exception?

I will cry the day I'm unable to carry any of my kids. Ethan is already close to never being carried by me again... He is getting HUGE. I love holding my little girls. I love especially cuddling with Ashlee, holding her against my chest and smelling her little head... I am taking it all in because I know sooner than later I won't be able to do that any more.

This is just a few of the MANY things that will make me cry one day. Chris and I were talking about the day we try to tell our kids not to do something that will hurt them terribly and they do it anyways. My heart aches now just thinking about that. It's amazing how your world comes around full circle. I was told by my parents many times not to do things and I did them anyways. They were only trying to save me pain and instead I had to experience it firsthand, how sad my parents must have been to see that happening. But as I think of these things I try to remind myself that I need to enjoy EVERY MINUTE NOW!! Enjoy playing catch with Ethan now, enjoy the constant chatter and bickering of the kids NOW, enjoy holding my babies in my arms (no matter what time it is) NOW, enjoy being admired almost to annoyance NOW and so much more!!! I have a new resolve to live in the moment NOW... Because soon this moment will only be something I look back and dream about and even shed a few tears about!!!!

Ashlee at 4 Months

I have to start this post off by saying I CANNOT believe it has already been four months. Where does the time go?

Today our little Ashlee had her four month Dr. appointment which are accompanied with her four month shots as well. Since Daddy is still out on summer break he got to take her in. Her stats are:

Weight: 12.1 Lbs 10-25 percentile

Height: 24 inches 25-50 percentile

Head: No #, just told it was 25-30 percentile

The doctor said he is happy with her growth and that she is "normal/skinny" just like her sister. It's so funny to hear that because lately I have been thinking she is getting so big and her legs are getting chubby, but apparently they aren't as chubby as I think they are! We were given the ok to start solids and cereal at five months and told that everything else looks great. Early on Ashlee was refusing to eat her bottles, but has since gotten a bit better. Seems like our little ladies give us the hardest time with eating. Katelee was a little bit easier, she just took forever to eat... Well I'm pretty sure Ashlee has beat her out with the difficulty level. Lovely, independence seems to run in our children's genes.

Most nights this is what Ashlee looks like after getting finished with her bottle....

She eats with her left hand up by her eyes the WHOLE time, every time. It's cute until she gets really grouchy or crazy and pushes the bottle out a million times. Her normal feeding takes about 20-40 minutes depending if she feels like cooperating or not. Most times not, which means about 40 minutes to feed her.
By the time she finishes eating at night both daughter and parent are tired as well. Ashlee still sleeps wonderfully and so I will take her fussy and cranky feeding over not sleeping well anytime. She is such a happy girl. She rarely cries. The only times she really cries is when we stop at a light in the car when she is tired, around 7:30pm if she hasn't had a little nap before that or when I accidentally cut her while trimming her nails. She really is that good, I don't say this only to brag but to express my gratitude for this angel! I call her Angel Face, which might seem weird but to me it's perfect. I love looking at her, holding her, seeing her smiles and listening to her talk to me! She is a talker and a spitter.

Saturday June 18th, I laid Ashlee down after her morning bottle so I could get the dishes done and when I went to check on her she had rolled from her back to her belly. This is the first picture of it. She hadn't quite figured out what to do with her arm that was stuck under her belly, but soon enough she figured it out. Any time we lay her down on her back it's only a matter of seconds before she ends up on her belly and then only a matter of a minute or so that she starts crying because she isn't too sure of her belly yet.


We got the rolling over on video which will be uploaded soon. Ashlee is still loved extremely by her big sister, big brother, parents and all other family and our friends. She will give everyone a smile more than once, she doesn't care who holds her.... yet. Still can't believe my baby is 4 months old, seems like just yesterday I was holding my angel for the first time.

Katelee

Seems like lately all I have posted about is Ashlee, so here is a post dedicated to our Baby Kate. Or as she is now know as, Katelee, Katelee Madge, Kate or Lady.

Katelee is an early riser and always has been. Most morning I wake up and get going around 6-6:15am. Its a guarantee that within 10 minutes of me being up Katelee will come walking in to our room. Usually I'm standing at my sink brushing my teeth or doing my hair when she comes in. It always brings a smile to my face to see her in the morning. Her hair is EVERYWHERE and she smiles huge when she see us. I always kneel down and hug her tight. She talks some baby talk and then we move on. Most morning she plays with the stuff under my sink, her baby doll or spends time doing her hair. Lately she has been playing with her doll, putting her on the little toilet we have in our bathroom, feeding her my contact solution or putting her in and out of our bed. This morning when I rolled over to look at the time, up came Katelee to my bed. She rubbed my arm and then went and got two books and climbed in our bed. She started reading them out loud while I got ready for work. I treasure our morning alone time when it's just me and her. We don't do much talking but we sure have been able to bond.

Katelee's nursery leader has always raved how much she LOVES her. Direct quote from her about Katelee, "I wish every child was like Katelee, she is so perfect. She goes with the flow and does whatever we ask her to do. We love Katelee!" At first I thought she was just being nice until I heard her say about another kid, "oh your son was pretty wild today!" She goes to nursery with no problems and last week she told me that she learned about the sacrament. It's always funny hear people say how well behaved she is because she can be quite the stubborn and grouchy girl.

When it's my time to put Katelee to bed at night I just love it. We brush her teeth and say night night to the girl in the mirror, who she has jokingly named Ethan! We then say prayer and I lift her up into bed. I then climb up and sing her some songs. She always gets so excited and hugs me the entire first song, which is always Families can be Together Forever. Then after I finish singing to her I start to climb down the ladder. Each time she sits up in bed and says, "Be careful careful coming down the stairs." I then ask her if she wants to kiss Mommy goodnight, to which she always says yes. I then stick my lips between the bars on her bed and she just loves it. We kiss and then I'm out of the room! I love love LOVE that quiet time I get to spend with this little lady!!!

Lately Kate has been very big into hiding from people. She loves to run behind the couch and hide when I get home from work. One day when I got home, I heard and saw her run behind the couch saying, "oh no, oh no, oh no" the entire time. When I followed her to her spot she started crying because she didn't get to hide from me. So now I let her hide and then try to find her. When she can't find a spot she will cover her eyes or lay her head down on the ground. Because she can't see you, you clearly cannot see her!

Katelee is still a pretty skinny girl and with no more diapers its even more apparent. Her pants or skirts are often in need of being pulled up. She weights 28 lbs and is still pretty tall for her age. She loves to give big squeezes and kisses if she wants to. Many times both her and Ethan will say that dinner is delicious, which always makes me smile. She will eat spaghetti o's or mac n cheese anytime. Kate is a very good eater most the time, however if she doesn't want it, she probably wont be eating it. No matter what we bribe her with! Katelee loves to count and knows her colors. She is learning the sounds of the letters and often times is heard saying, "uga uga... Ahhhh" which is her way of knowing what sound the letter A makes. We have really been noticing lately how monotone her voice can be at times. It cracks us up because she will say something and add "ha ha" to the end of it and never change her tone at all. Makes us laugh ALL the time.

Although I have always felt like Ethan was the aggressor and instigator of most fights between the two of them, I have been sorely wrong. Katelee does her own fair share of starting or carrying on a fight. She doesn't back down, which makes me happy (because I want nothing more than a strong independent girl who wont be pushed around) and irritated (because she will get mad or throw attitude for just about any reason!) As you can see Katelee does a good job of giving me mixed emotions. I love seeing her aggressive side, I think it will help make her the best she can be. I also hate that side of her because she can be mean at times. I love seeing her give a kid a toy she had that they are taking away from her because it shows she can share and is willing to. I also hate seeing that because inside I'm thinking, "hey lady, stick up for yourself!" However she acts or doesn't act right now, I know that my little baby K will grow up to be a wonderful young lady because she will feel the love we all have for her. I can't help but see a little of myself in here each day from her crazy hair in the morning, stinky feet at the end of the day or her never wanting to be under the covers. She still loves to throw lots of attitude, but she wouldn't be my daughter if that didn't happen. She keeps us on our toes and keeps this mother smiling. I can't say I'm excited to raise myself in her, but I look forward to the challenge and seeing what a wonderful person this little girl grows up to be!

Memorial Day 2011

This Monday was Memorial Day and to celebrate my day off of work we decided to make some decorations and take them to the graveyard. We started off by having the kids decorate a piece of paper however they wanted. Ethan started writing letters and numbers, such a proud mother moment.Katelee was drawing all kinds of things. Don't mind her hair, we were still in our PJs and hadn't done our hair yet!

After they were done decorating the paper we cut them out in the shape of hearts and put them on plastic knifes so they would stick into the ground.

Katelee had one flower and the rest were hearts, she was so proud!!

After we got dressed and did our hair we headed over to pick Grandma Blackburn up and headed over to the graveyard. There was a Veterans memorial service going on so we had to take the long way around to my Grandma and Grandpa Stewart's grave. We let the kids pick which hearts they wanted to put by the grave.

I talked to them briefly about my grandparents and how much I love them and can't wait to introduce them to them one day. I know introductions will not be needed, but I guess I'm more excited to have them see me with them! I have been greatly blessed with great grandparents on both sides of my family. I love going to visit my Grandma and Grandpa Blackburn and love even more that they have gotten to meet my kids and get to know them. Although I did not have that experience here on earth with my Stewart Grandparents, I know I will have that experience in the next life with them!

Here we are with our finished product. I think their little hearts looked cute. After decorating this grave we walked down to my Great Uncle Cecile and Aunt Toddies grave and left two hearts there. I remember going to visit them at their house and having so much fun. We would endure a grueling 10-15 minutes of adult conversation before one of us kids would ask if we could go out back and swing. They had swings made out of big tires and Uncle Cecile would get pushing us pretty high!!! He was missing some fingers and I remember that always seemed weird and interesting to me that he was still able to function without them. He was the best at horse shoes and my Aunt Toddie would tell stories about actual American Indians ransacking their house when she was young. As a kid those stories were exciting, as an adult they are pretty scary...

After that we got in the car and headed to the other side of the graveyard to visit Russ and Arlene Howard's grave. These are my Uncle's parents. I never knew Russ, he died the year I was born so I don't know much about him from my own personal experiences. I remember Arlene though, she was a sweet lady that laughed at all my dad's silly jokes. I still remember what she looked like and even what her house and especially her backyard look like. She was exactly what you expect a grandma to be, cuddly, squishy and always smiling. We left two hearts there as well and then we headed home.

I love sharing stories about the special people in my life to my kids. I love describing how they looked, what they said and how they made me feel. I know most the times my kids just look at me with a blank stare, or don't even act like I'm talking... But even if they aren't listening or paying attention I feel good remembering the people that have shaped me into the person I am today. I love thinking about the way my Grandpa Stewart would embarrass me every time he introduced me to people. He would always say, "This is my granddaughter Hilary, she got three varsity letters as a freshy!" I'd blush and say, "oh grandpa stop it!" And he'd beam with pride. Oh how that embarrassed me and made me feel so special all at the same time. My Grandma Stewart was such a good example to me growing up. She always smiled and loved on us grand kids. When she was going through some treatments for her cancer she would get a lot of gas stuck in her tummy and didn't know how to burp it out. I took great pride in the day she asked me to teach her how to burp! Sounds silly, but I knew how to do it well and I felt so helpful. Towards the end she didn't smile as much, but would sure try to when we would come and say good-bye and kiss her. Such sweet memories that I fear one day I will lose. So before I do I want my kids to hear them and know them for themselves!!!

Not only did we remember those that we know, but also those that we don't know who gave their lives for us so we can live in this free land of America. We may not be perfect, we might not be where I wish we were, but there is no other place I'd rather be! How thankful I am for this Memorial Day that allowed me the time to reminisce about those close to me that have passed on! How I love them all and cannot wait for the day when I can hug them all and see their smiling faces again!

God be with you till we meet again!

Silly Ashlee

Our sweet Ashlee is getting so animated it makes me smile. She loves to look around and talk but her latest thing is laughing! She is a good mimicker so all you have to do it laugh and she laughs. She has been laughing for a while but tonight I just had to get it on video! At times her laugh might sound a little like a cry but then it turns around and makes my heart melt. I can't believe how advance she seems, It's probably just me not remembering the other kids' achievements right off hand. Ashlee is so easy going and happy all the time. I'm starting to get the feeling that she is going to fit right in with us clowns here in the Nelson household!!!